It's really hard to pee in a cup. If there's a trick to it, I haven't figured it out yet. This creates enormous anxiety when I go to the doctor and the first place they point me is to the bathroom. Oh God, not the cup. Why are they so small? Come on now, it's not a precise activity for us females, how about a bowl? Men have it much easier; even with shaky hands I can't imagine it has a high degree of difficulty. All they have to do is keep their eyes open.
I found myself taking the dreaded walk to the bathroom at my Internist's office yesterday. You'd think after years of experience going to the Ob-Gyn, I'd have some level of skill and accuracy. Nope. So there I was looking at the directions on the wall. This was the first time I've ever seen such specific instructions. My Gynecologist's nurse says, "there's the cup, leave it on the shelf when you're done". Now I was staring at a step by step list of what to do. I am not good at following rules and felt panicked. There was a lovely basket of really really small cups with little blue lids; a nice Martha Stewart touch. Martha I need help! Is your aim better than mine? There was also a bowl of packaged towelettes for pre-peeing purposes. I couldn't get one of the tightly sealed packets opened. I grew a little sweaty. When I finally did, the towel dropped on the floor. My first instinct was to just pick it up and continue .... I opened another one, and in my hurry, as I thought I'd been in the bathroom for over an hour, I dropped the cup I was holding. My first instinct was to just pick it up....
New cup in hand, I was ready. I always think I'm in the correct general area but it's really hit or miss. "Miss" really sucks. And yes I've missed and missed and missed...and missed. You know instantly. It is a sad and embarrassing moment. Thank God it's something you do alone! And now I'm praying I'm not the only one who has this problem. Yesterday I was lucky, first time on target. I did have to write my name on the label twice as I ran out of room the first try. Finally and triumphantly I placed the cup on the shelf. I can now relax until June when I'm due for my Ob-Gyn check-up. And "no" I don't practice between appointments.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
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2 comments:
You dismiss the ease with which men pee in their cups. There are plenty of problems for them as well. First there is the guy with the enlarged prostrate. On a good day he can spray the cup, his hand and the toilet - even beyond.
Then there is the athletic peeer. You know the forceful type who claim they are able to pee over two or three cars (depending on how much beer they are drinking). At times they hit the cup with such force that it blows out of their hand and they don't see where it went. This is a worse problem when they have written their name on the missing missile before it was hit.
Lastly, there is a cut off - without splashing all over. That takes years of practice and lots of mistakes.
Last time I had to pee in a cup for a drug test I was very nervous. Would the drugs I did 2 years ago show on my urine? Then the nurse came with a cup, she handed the cup to me, I noticed she was wearing surgical gloves. When I went into the bathroom and ready to aim and not miss the cup I realized that my hands would be sprayed, I opened the door (pants down and cup in hand) "excuse me nurse, can I borrow some gloves?” She said no, its against the rules. I came out of the bathroom with my little cup and the nurse said to me "you have to do this again, you need to fill it to this line" Against my will I had to pee again, "look Ma, no gloves" then something told me to hold the cup against my "body" and I did, by now I had about a gallon of water in me, the cup overflowed. The lab has a full cup of my pee. FYI, the drugs that I had 2 years ago never showed on the tests, whew! I got home and wished I had a joint just to celebrate that I filled the cup the second time around, it was too stressful man!
After that experience I learned to appreciate the toilette seat more. I just hope I don't have to do that again and if I do, I'll make sure the nurse knows that I might need a second cup.
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